Woes of an MC Protag
by Secret Fanfic Trash Monster
Summary: Persona 5: A crackfic revolving around satirizing the protagonist's daily life. Lightly rags on certain mechanics and characters of the game we all know and love. Mild suggestive material. There's no real plot so this will probably be forever incomplete as I can add infinite chapters. I'm only like two days past the second palace so spoilers for up until that point.
1. Break Free from the Chains of Captivity

_Note: I have not dabbled in Persona's fandom. I named my MC Johann, so that is his name in this fanction._

Johann walked into Leblancs. He looked so smooth. So so smooth, with that delicious hunched walk of his. Morgana meowed in his bookbag. Well, Johann knew what Morgana was saying, but everyone else heard the meows. Mysteriously, no one acknowledged that Johann liked to keep a cat in his bookbag.

Johann sat down in the café booth to study when-

"YOU MUST BE TIRED AFTER TODAY. LET'S GO TO SLEEP."

Johann banged his fist on the table. He wanted to yell at Morgana, but for some reason all he could do was make awkward hand gestures.

Johanna stood up, dismayed. He reluctantly, cautiously, smooth walked over to behind the counter to make some coffee. Coffee grinds in hand-

""YOU MUST BE TIRED AFTER TODAY. LET'S GO TO SLEEP."

Johann, looking as MC protag as ever, looked into Morgana's dead, cat expression. He knew what that creature actually looked like, with his disgustingly wide set eyes. A flicker of hatred turned into a spark that lit a tiny flame in Johann.

Johann stomped upstairs, actually ready to go to bed if only to ignore the mildly suicidal thoughts running through his head. Johann approached the bed and began to slip under the covers, but was interrupted with a "GO TO SLEEP? YES OR NO"

In one swift movement, Johann simultaneously deck kicked Morgana across the room and down the stairs while also slamming himself into the window in an attempt to escape the prison cell that is his bedroom after each dungeon crawl.

The night is young.


	2. Mishima's Interlude

_This chapter's pretty short. I didn't know what else to add but I had fun writing it._

* * *

Johann made his way to Shibuya, Central Street. Despite the fact that the subways weren't crowded at night time, he failed to grab a seat to actually READ A FUCKING BOOK FOR ONCE.

Upon arrival, he ran into Mishima, which was ENTIRELY an accident because Johann had been procrastinating on mementos in lieu of upping his social stats, like a true phantom thief.

"Hey Johann! Are you about to rent that m-m-m-m-maid? To test her…abilities?"

Johann stared, as silent protag as ever.

"I don't wanna see her B-B-B-B-BOOBS or anything. I'm trying to do my OWN justice for the world…just like the Phantom Thieves. Heh heh." Mishima did the anime pointer finger nose rub thing.

Johann's glasses glinted. He did like a good boob every now and then. Mmm, Takamaki. But he merely kept smooth walking. He had better things to do. Larger fish to fry.

 _Bigger burgers to eat._


	3. The Show's Over

_NOTE: Ok so, I just got to the third palace and (SPOILERS) I had NO idea Makoto's persona would be name Johanna. I legit actually named the protag Johann in my game so I pretty much lost it at Johanna's reveal._

* * *

Johann made his way downtown, walking fast, faces pass, and he's burger bound.

"HI THERE, welcome to BIG BANG BURGER JOINT, open all the fucking time because WHO NEEDS LABOR LAWS IN JAPAN YAYYY."

The fast food employee, with such wide eyes and enlarged pupils, had to have been hitting up Takemi's "home remedies."

"We ACTUALLY have a REALLY GREAT DEAL right now! The BIG BANG BURGER CHALLENGE! CARE TO TRY?"

Johann nodded. Silent protag for life.

The employee led him to his seat. People stared in shock, awe, and disgust as Johann devoured a burger at least twice as many pixels as his head. Johann chewed, feeling each piece of cold, damp burger slide down his throat. A nauseating mix of mayo, mustard, and secret sauce dripped down Johann's chin. He began to wonder if he was growing more charming. And boy did he have guts. Well, _a_ gut, anyways, after this challenge. A-hyuck!

"WOWIE SIR, your SICKENING act of COURAGE and BRAVERY has blown us away! You're now a TIER 2 ROCKET BUDDY CHALLENGERRR!"

Johann moved his arms a bit.

"NOW SIR, I need you to refrain from asking about THAT here. Tier 6 is a STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL subject. Have a BURGERLICIOUS day!"

Both surprised and thoroughly repulsed by his mad skills, Johann went home.


	4. I See Something

_For anyone who is curious, Johann's full name (both in this game and in my save file) is Johann Kringle. It's pretty hilarious when the other characters refer to him as "Kringle-kun."_

* * *

"Oh fuqq", Johann thought.

He had just returned home. Glass was scattered on the lawn outside of his window.

It was then that Johann remembered those fateful events from earlier in the evening…

...

 _"GO TO SLEEP? YES OR NO"_

 _In one swift movement, Johann simultaneously deck kicked Morgana across the room and down the stairs while also slamming himself into the window in an attempt to escape the prison cell that is his bedroom after each dungeon crawl._

...

Ha, right. Worth.

Johann's proficiency was decent enough to build a new window. Now that Morgana was no longer present to completely eff over his schedule, he was actually able to UTILIZE HIS SKILLS FOR ONCE to fix this baby up before Sojiro, bless his hot dad vibe, (" _What? Where did that thought come from?"_ ) discovered today's transgressions.

Johann decided, _upon his own free will_ , that he was quite tired. Morgana, finally conscious, stumbled up the stairs unnoticed and smiled contentedly as Johann fell into a slumber.

" _I forgive you_ " , Morgana whispered.


	5. You Never See it Coming

Johann squirmed in his sleep as images of chains and prison garb began to cloud his dreams…

Oh _god_ , not this again.

Aaaaaaaaaand- yup. There he was, in his cartoonishly crooked nosed glory. Igor and the Olsen twins.

The irony of breaking free from Morgana's chains only to end up in LITERAL chains was not lost on Johann.

Igor, always ready to break the uncomfortable silence, spoke up.

"It seems you have strayed from the path of your rehabilitation. Hurting your confidant relationships will only serve to forge humanity's path to destruction."

* * *

 _\- Path to destruction?_

 _\- …_

* * *

 _\- Path to destruction?_

 **X** ** _…_**

* * *

Johann wanted to defend his actions but to be totally frank, Igor scared the **fuck** out of him.

"Your silence speaks volumes. However, it seems you are still committed to your duty of bettering yourself, in spite of your thoughtless violence. Your gluttonous display, while grotesque, served to prove that you intend to become a well-rounded persona user. I will continue to help you if you cooperate."

 _Your relationship with Igor didn't grow much._

Johann woke up in a cold sweat. Morgana jumped on his chest.

"Gooooood morning!"

"GoOoOoOd MorNiNg" Johann thought, head voice dripping with spite.


End file.
